Ground Rules Part 2

I completely agree with XY that we should be able to call periods of abstinence. I'm not sure we should even have to give a good reason. Unless "I just feel a bit weird about it at the moment" counts as a good reason. Obviously we'll have to see how it goes - we can't be saying all the time "no, not now... not now... not now." That's never going to work. But I don't think that'll happen. I know that for me I'll try to resist saying anything until I really feel I have to.

I know I'd feel happier if XY told girls he was in a relationship from the outset, and made it clear that I'm happy for him to put his penis inside them but he will not be watching "films" or eating pizza with them. But I think it's okay to take every situation as it comes really, and just use our judgment to decide what's best to do.

It's quite likely that I won't be telling anyone I'm in a relationship. Partly for the reason XY mentioned - I don't want any boy to feel like he has something over XY, even if they're never going to meet or know anything more about each other. I'm not sure about girls. I think I still wouldn't tell them. When I go out and drunkenly kiss strangers, I don't feel I owe them anything. I never felt guilty about not going any further than kissing, or about refusing to give my phone number, or about refusing to see them again. I think a drunken kiss is a drunken kiss and if you assume you're going to get anything more than that you're a bit of a fool. You can hope for more, but I don't owe you anything.

Obviously if more than kissing happens it gets slightly more crap, but even then... If I do stuff with anyone I don't presume it's going to lead to anything else. So I don't see why anyone else should presume anything either. It's a bit naïve, if you ask me. Or am I just horrible? I think it's a case of seeing how it goes anyway. Assuming I do actually get to do things with people, I'll just have to find out from experience the best way to handle it. But obviously if XY has any preference I'll take that into consideration.

I have no arguments about ensuring we don't make each other look stupid.

And if we do mention that we're in a relationship and the person in question says anything negative about us, I think that should really be the time to call it off. Like, if I did mention that I had a boyfriend to someone and they came out with something like, "He can't really love you if he lets you do this," or something along those lines... I think that would be a good time to leave. That's not a rule as such though, and if I were drunk I might let them get away with it, knowing I wasn't going to have any contact with them again anyway. If someone seriously tried to convince me that I shouldn't be with XY I definitely wouldn't take it any further. But since I'm not planning to tell anyone probably, maybe that's not so much an issue for me.

Protection always, obviously, for pretty much everything. Kissing with dental dams please :) One of the things I am worried about with this is that it'll make both of us less confident that we're not going to pass anything dodgy on to each other. It's one of the few nice things about not being very experienced. Of course I know we'll both be careful. It's just that nothing's 100% guaranteed. Which is pretty crap.

I'm actually really worried too about XY accidentally getting someone pregnant. In my case I'm doubly protected because I'm on the pill and of course I'd always insist on condoms. But XY can't make sure someone's on the pill. The idea of him ending up having to cope with a baby with someone else... God, that would get so messy. But those are just the risks you have to take with sex I suppose.

I'm sure I'll think of things, but I can't think of everything now. Maybe we need to just update whenever we think of something. And it's something we'll learn from experience really, we'll never think of all the problems that could occur before we're even doing anything.

We need to discuss if there's anyone absolutely off-limits. Each other's friends and family obviously, but I don't think that really applies since we don't mix in the same circles. I'm not sure about people we're friends with. I think probably best to avoid that, at least to begin with, until we discover how okay with this we really are. I think that has a lot more potential for jealousy and messiness than one-off encounters with strangers or almost-strangers. But I don't know where we draw the line between friend and almost-stranger. It's simpler for me because I go places where I see people once then never see them again. I know it's not so clear-cut for XY.

And we need to discuss how and when to tell each other. I'm not sure about that yet. I think the idea of not telling each other immediately, so that we've already seen each other and been normal with each other in between, is a good one. But then if we know the other person's been out we're obviously going to wonder...