Ramblings

If I knew I could get whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and that I could orgasm (or at least have a very nice time) from every sexual experience I had, that's what would get rid of any doubts I have about an open relationship.

If I could be off having my own experiences while XY was having his, I'm actually confident that I'd be totally fine with it. I'd be very happy about it, in fact. I never thought I'd find someone who'd understand that I don't think even "serious" relationships should have to be monogamous. If we choose sex as the one activity we can't do with other people, then it kind of implies that sex is what our relationship is about. Which it's very much not. Sex is just a lovely bonus.

So this isn't really about me being jealous of the other people he'd do things with. It's that I'll be jealous of him. Because he'll be getting to do things while I, despite being "allowed" to, won't. There are so many reasons why this won't be as rewarding for me...

1. I've got so much work to do I've got no time for socialising of any kind, let alone the sexual kind.

2. Even if I do go out, my shyness and lack of attractiveness mean it's unlikely I'll get anywhere with anyone anyway.

3. If I do get anywhere with anyone, it's going to be someone male (because getting girls will be harder for pretty obvious reasons) who I don't find at all attractive. Whereas XY finds quite a lot of girls fairly attractive and so would probably feel some level of attraction to whoever he was with, I rarely find people attractive and hardly ever with boys. And if I do find someone attractive then they're the last person I'm going to end up speaking to because I'd be far too intimidated. So it will be someone I don't like.

4. If I get to the point of doing anything more than kissing, the chances are it'll be bad. I certainly won't get to come. But it probably won't even be good. Because it'll be with some inept drunk who either won't be able to do anything at all, or will do it in a way that hurts me, or it'll just feel awkward and I'll be bored, or it might be good but over really quickly. I'm afraid that's just the reality of sex for me - a lot of factors contribute to how sex feels for me (and a major one will be how comfortable I feel with the person), and I'm not experienced or dominant enough to ensure things happen in a good way. Again that's different for XY because presumably even bad sex will feel pretty good. And will still end in orgasm.

If I do do something and it feels bad or awkward, I won't just not feel good, it'll actually depress me. Because then it's like I've given something to someone and got nothing in return. I'm not sure if "used" is the word, but... something similar. If I have sex with someone I like and it turns out not to be amazing for whatever reason, I don't feel robbed of anything. It's just one of those things - it'll be better next time, and I like them so I'm happy to have done it anyway. A one night stand with someone I don't know won't work like that. I'll feel like I've had something taken away from me. I don't mean I'd automatically feel like that about any casual sex - good casual sex I would love to have and wouldn't feel bad about at all. But if the other person gets more out of it than I do, and the chances are they will, then I will feel bad.

So that's what it is really. I don't think I'll get to do anything, even if I do it'll be with someone I don't find attractive at all, and then there's a high probability of it being crap. And leading to me not just not feeling good, but actually feeling bad.

But those are just my reservations. I really want to have lots of different experiences. I just think good experiences will be more elusive for me than they'll be for XY. And that will make me bitter. Not the fact that he's doing things without me, but the fact that I don't get to do the same things.

I think the main solution with this is for me to focus on girls. I could be wrong of course, but I think the potential for bad sex would be lower with a girl (and if it were bad for me then it'd probably be bad for her too so at least it'd be more balanced). And I find a lot more girls attractive so I'm more likely to find someone I do feel something towards, even if it's not much.

So then the issues are that girls who like girls are much harder to find, girls are much less likely to make the first move (and I'm certainly not going to be making it) and even if they do they might be less up for taking things further straight away. Certainly in my experience no girls I've kissed in clubs have ever offered me anything more. Oh, except a girl who insisted on walking me home then tried to force her way into my flat, but she was absolutely terrifying. See, this is what I mean. I can only get the crap people to want me.

I'm babbling. I really, really want to do sex with girls. Lots of girls. I want to a lot. And I want to do sex with boys except that the above reservations make me doubtful about casual encounters. I don't want to go through life only having had sex with one boy, of course I don't. And I think if I have sex with other people, including boys (and if XY has sex with other people too), it'll actually lead to us having better sex together. I think it's an all-round good thing.

My issue with this isn't that I don't want to do it. It's that I don't think I will do it, at least not in a way that satisfies me. Now that XY has set the standard so high, I just don't think passionless drunken fumbles will cut it anymore.